Only "I" would learn a lesson like this....

So, yesterday was rather interesting as well as a BIG learning experience. I woke up a little earlier than normal.....staggered over to the coffee pot and put on a 10 cup brew of Folders Breakfast blend. mmmmm..... while I stood and waited, as usual, I went down the line of my routine vitamin and mineral intake. From left to right I opened the bottles like so: 1 tablet of Women's Multi one a day, 3 tablets of C, 1 tablet of Zinc, 1 tablet of b+ and last but not least 1 prenatal vitamin for my folic acid intake!

So I poured a cup of coffee and sat down at my desk to read my emails. I started feeling a little dizzy so decided to put the emails off for a while. So I went into the bedroom to wake my son up for school. When returning down the hall I had a sudden urge to vomit. I ran to the bathroom and I stayed by the toilet for the next 3 hours! I could not stop being sick. I felt more and more dizzy. As I am hovering over the toilet I noticed that I must have missed some spots the last time I cleaned this thing.....actually I must have missed them the last 10 times I cleaned.... YUCK...then I started to remember the day before..... I was showing my sister the woman's multi vitamin I take..... and she picked up the zinc to look at it, she must have mixed it up with the C bottle because they are identical!!!!

So I went to the kitchen, opened the cabinet to find the number for poison control...I found a bottle of CLR....grabbed it and headed back to the bathroom. I called poison control.... I told them I think I took 3 Zinc instead of 3 C's. They asked me my symptoms...... and apparently I had every sign of Zinc overdose. It does not have any long term effects. Just doesn't feel very good!

So I laid down in the bathroom floor waiting for this to wear off a little. I started feeling a little better so I went ahead and cleaned the toilet with the CLR! Then I went and laid down on the couch ............

What a way to start a day.

The last day in April!

I know it has been a while, so much has been going on lately. From my best friends wedding that turned out to be pretty much PERFECT to one of my good friends going into the Mission field full time to serve the Lord in the Philippines. Every time I would think about writing, there was almost too much going on in my head to every think about how to put it in words. But I finally figured...... I better start somewhere.

So I wanted to start with a small shout out to my new missionary friend David Covic Jr! Monday he got on the plane that finally set sail to his long awaited journey into the Philippines! He lived there for 5 years at a younger age while his parents both served as missionaries, and after they were called to come back to the states so his father could serve as a pastor, God placed a burden for this country on David's heart! David went to school and then finished an intern ship in the Philippines and now he is there full time with NO real intentions on coming home. I am jealous, in a Godly way of course...... he is freely walking in the calling of the Lord! I am excited and pumped up to hear about all of the amazing things that are going to take place on this journey. He also has a blog that he JUST started so that people back home can hear from him. You can check him out......he is listed on my page as "Sucka" :-) Give him some encouragement.....

Well that's enough for today......

Love you Stubby Crusader..... may the Lord bless you abundantly as you walk in His Glory!

Fell asleep on the couch tonight......

It was one of those lazy evenings when you don't even want to open your mouth to talk, but instead wish that empty cartoon balloons just pop near your mouth and get filled with what you want to speak. It was quiet in my house tonight and I was cuddled on the couch with my favorite little pillow that my mother gave to me, peaceful music from the ZEN channel on satellite TV playing in the background and contentment was washing over my body after a long long day. In other words, I was at peace with this moment, I then started thinking about how powerful God is to orchestrate this entire world , attend to EVERYONE'S problems, answer EVERYONE'S prayers, be in love with ALL of His children at the same time and I am sure never gets a moments rest....but still finds time in His busy schedule to make sure that I have a moment of rest like this. I have to say He is definitely the Master and Father of Time Management!!!!

I must have drifted off into a small slumber.....

Those coloured scripts in my thought bubbles seemed to have attracted God's attention and I could hear a voice in my living room. I didn't expect His arrival to be so undramatic. I expected a flash of thunder and lightning followed by His presence in a mystic halo accompanied by a LOUD TRUMPET type of voice. But God was meeting me in the place that I was feeling inside, so instead I found a young man with a long white moustache and T shirt spelling G-O-D staring back at me. (now I know I was dreaming) His eyes were twinkling and I found the entire air between us to be charged with something like static electricity. Bubbles seemed to form from his head too and it read - "follow me". He walked through the wall, leaving 'His' shaped hole in it. I carefully stepped through the wall to find a colorful, grassy forest full of promises and possibilities. Tender, fresh and warm sunlight gleamed through the clouds and the magical place stood its place beside God, holding the innocence of a new born world.

And then I woke up.

What a cool little dream God gave to me.......But His promises and possibilities are real... "Follow Me" he says............Thank you , Father.

A prayer from a thankful Mother....

Lord,

I want to start by saying Thank you. You have given me the amazing opportunity to look after and raise up 2 of the most amazing children I have ever known. And I know that you agree, because they are yours. I know they do not belong to me.

Lord, sometimes when I look at them and I see such amazing things in their future, the enemy tries to put fears in my way of sight. Help me to block them out, in the name of your son Jesus Christ. I do not want those fears to over whelm me or cause me to block them from learning and growing in the son and daughter that you want them to be.

Lord, you did such an amazing job on their hearts. I have never seen such unconditional love in my life, not since you gave your son to pay the price for our sins. I see your heart in them. I see your love flow through them.......it's a love that I could never teach.....I see YOU in them, Lord. When I look at them, even though I have never seen Your face, I can see some of Your features. Destiny has your smile.....Devon has your eyes....... they both carry so much of your personality. And what is even more amazing, is they both want to grow up to be just like their Father. YOU, Lord.

Lord, I promise to train them, best I can, to be disciples. To spread your word. To know you , to love you. To teach them your ways, to teach them whats right and instill in them to Never desire to do what is wrong. I will cherish every moment that I have to be a part of their growing.....

and when the time comes , Father...... I will give them back to you, so that they can do amazing things for your Glory in this world.

It will hurt....... but I will be so thankful.

Thank you Lord...... for allowing me to be in their lives.

In Jesus Name I pray all these things~

Amen

beautiful.....

I named my blog ..beautiful ,because I wanted to focus on the things of my life that are lovely and excellent, just as Philippians 4:8 encourages us to do."Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

As I've become more intentional about looking for the beauty around me, He is gently showing me that I should also seek to be beautiful. This has been a problem with me, never have I been able to truly align myself with such a word. Not because I didnt think I was pretty, but because "beautiful" holds much more meaning.....pretty is a lot easier to say. :-)

We decorate and polish ourselves to be beautiful based on our own standards of loveliness, everyone does this according to their culture and also depending on who we desire to please the most. In many ways, we all seek beauty and desire to present ourselves this , our homes, and our personal spaces in a way that reveals what we believe to be beautiful.

A special someone in my life, from time to time, tells me that I am beautiful and tries to help me see myself the way the Lord sees me. I want to see myself this way so that I can be secure in myself in order to be confident in who I am in CHRIST!

So I looked to His Word....1 Peter 3:3,4 focuses on meaning of the word beautiful which is this : generally pleasing and excellent. The Word shows me that this kind of beauty is far more important than any other kind of beauty. "Do not let your adorning be external-the braiding of the hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing-but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." Now, obviously we are not being told in this verse that women are not to wear braided hair or jewelry. If that is what this passage is saying, than we cannot put on clothing either! No, I am thinking that this verse is telling us something very important; if we are going to put effort into adorning ourselves (and we are, aren't we!), then we should focus on what God says is beautiful, and purpose in our hearts to please Him. He says that adorning our hearts is more important than adorning our bodies. Because a beautiful spirit is imperishable. So what makes a beautiful spirit? Do I have a beautiful spirit? God says that gentleness and quietness is what makes a woman's spirit beautiful. That's awesome, God! Gentleness is what a women is made of......

We should all seek more after a beautiful heart than a beautiful outward appearance.

I think I can believe that God made me beautiful........

CARNIVORE HAMSTER....

Meet Rob, and please, don't let the cute little fuzzy face fool ya. It all began about 3 months ago, my 7 year old son , Devon, says he would like a bunny for a pet. I think he is at the perfect age to learn a little responsibility, so we went to the pet store to check them out. There were some cute little floppy eared bunnies there, but when held, they go crazy jackin' their feet back and fourth and clawing the crap out of you, Devon quickly decided against it. Right next to the cage were about 60 little fuzz balls running around, "What are those Mommy?" Devon asked. "Those are hamsters, Devon, but I think they bite!" I replied. A voice from behind me interrupts,"Oh Noooo, hamsters don't bite as long as you handle them frequently." So....... Devon picked 2. One black one that he named BIG and the cute little orange and white one....named ROB.

It has been a fun 3 months. Watching Devon take care of these hamsters has really impressed me. He wakes up every morning and spends time with them individually. He will bring them to me one at a time, " Say good morning to ROB, Mommy." and "Look Mommy, BIG is still half asleep, he was up all night on his wheel." BIG is his favorite hamster, he is big and fat and real lazy, he never runs from Devon, I really think he likes to be held.

ROB and BIG usually snuggle together in this little pod type thing. It is clear so you can see very well what they are doing. Two mornings ago, Devon calls out, "MOMMY....COME HERE...HURRY!" I knew the tone was pretty uneasy so I run fast.... He said," What is ROB eating?" I just saw something big and black.....pretty shocked myself I just said," Well baby, that looks like BIG" Devon lost it, ran to his bed and started to weep. I am watching in complete disgust, shocked-but obviously still a little interested, because I couldn't unglue my eyes!!! I mean ROB was digging into his BEST FRIENDS neck..... the ear was gone along with half of his face....it was indeed a sick site. So, I pry my eyes away and go to coddle Devon on the bed.... I look over and Rob came out of the pod, climbed to the highest point of the cage to clean himself....as if he was basking in the victory of his defeat. No sign of remorse what so ever! The sick part is that both of his pouches looked full. I have not fed them yet today..... so that could only mean that fragments of BIG's face is still stuffed in ROB's cheeks. SICK LITTLE CRITTER!!!!

I went on line to read about why hamsters eat each other, and apparently this is a known thing. You would think the pet store clerk would tell you that when selling 2 of these critters to a little boy. Prepare him for possibly finding one half eaten some day. :-(

ROB and BIG lived, what seemed like, a peaceful life together.....apparently ROB got sick of BIG's company..........and ate his face off.

I hope by reading this that you are aware of the carnivore nature is such small fuzzy little creatures.

YUCK

Just a Sunday....

Quite interesting, all that has been on my mind lately. Ever had a vision of who you are suppose to be, feel it strong, yet have NO clue what to do next? Sit back and wait on God. That's what I am doing.......


"Lord, ok, I know, you have a plan, any chance you ever thought about maybe possibly giving me a hint on what to do next? Not that you need my help or anything, and I am more than happy to let you take care of it all...... but dang, my heart is sitting on pins and needles. All I can think about in everything I do is "does this have anything to do with God's plan for me and my family?" Alright, I understand that you do not rush anything, and please know that I am not trying to rush you.....I am not even close to being ready..... but I need to know I am where you want me. If you could send a little raven to my window with a little note giving me a clue on the next step to take, that would be real nice...... I love you Father! In Jesus name I pray~ Amen"

Where have I been?

No where really? It's just the first real chance I have had to sit and write about whats going on or not going on in my life. The last couple weeks have been ridiculously busy with so much of doing a whole lot of nothing worth note....make sense? Not really... and that is exactly what I am talking about. Stay with me....this gets deeper. lol

My mind has just went blank lately when I come to blog....I am sorry to myself...but my taste of blog lately is like something of a piece of soggy cauliflower....my mind is full...and I have hit a bit of a wall with my words. I almost could start off each day with ,"Dear Diary , today I had 2 hard boiled eggs for breakfast and I brushed my bangs to the left for the first time......" but since I do not want to do that to myself.... I quickly sign off, saving myself the time and everyone else the space on the world wide web of information.

I suppose I should write in proper paragraphs with proper sentence structure and tell a coherent story, but I'm just not sure I could pull it off lately. And I have been in one of those moods where you just feel like scribbling outside the lines.

I battled a bit of the "bug" a couple days ago, but its safe to say I feel fine as frog hair today! Thank the Lord it didn't last as long as SOME people I know that had it for like 7 days. whew... I knew there was such a thing as "snapping out of it" they said it couldn't be done....but, I did it.
:-)

Well I will rescue you from my ramble.....

Goodnight! xoxox

My answer to your question.....

Dear Seeking Vision,

I decided to blog the answer to your email , just encase someone else may feel the way that we both did...a portion of your email stated, "My family wants nothing to do with Christ. I myself have no understanding of the whole thing. But I am trying to see what it is, so my family can receive this Holy Ghost that is talked about so often. I cry daily to God asking him to please show us something, anything. I donʼt want my babies to grow up looking to others. I want them to get answers right from the source. I mean if all these prophets and so forth in the Bible could hear his voice, why not us. I want God to talk to me and my family. How do I do this?"

Good morning my precious sister in Christ. I am NO counselor by far, but I know from my own experiences with Christ. I use to ask myself this same question. Then I started searching for the answer, just like you. I desired the Lord so much that I could not stop seeking the One who I heard was so madly in love with me. Then I got down on my knees and asked Jesus Christ into my heart. Made Him my Lord and my Savior. First ,know that the voice of the Lord will always be heard by His children. You have to accept Him as your Lord, ask Him into your heart as your personal Savior, become a child of the living God. Find a church of Jesus Christ and talk to someone there and have them pray with you and help get the answers to the questions you have in your heart.

John 18:37 says: Pilate therefore said to Him, "Are You a king then?" Jesus answered, "You say rightly that I am a king. For this cause I was born, and for this cause I have come into the world, that I should bear witness to the truth. Everyone who is of the truth hears My voice."

God never lets a thirsty soul run dry. KNOW THAT. If you are seeking Him, He is going to pour Himself into your life. Keep Seeking..... You are so precious to Him and He speaks to you more times before you even open your eyes than we can speak to him in a life time. The Holy Spirit is with you every second crying out to the Father in your defense and crying out to you for you to just lay your issues at His feet, He truly wants to guide you. Just let Him."you have not because you ask not" Matt 7:7 You have to just LISTEN. Open your ears to Him and close them to distraction that may be keeping you from His voice. His voice is so precious and full of love and hope. Never even a hint of condemnation. Most conversations will start with,' I love you ....." then followed by all He sees in you and wants for you. How full of purpose and worth your are to Him. How you are indeed His princess and wants you to walk in the honor of that name, a child of God. Sometimes when we pray, we are just going on and on and on and on and on.......we do not give God a chance to say one word. We do all the talking.........next time, in the peace and quiet of your bedroom, or even in the shower, your own special place....try to talk to Him a little....but then say,"ok Daddy, its your turn, you have my full attention" Then just keep silent. You will hear His voice. It will burrow up deep from with in you....it may only be a few words of encouragement at first...or it may just be Him telling you He loves you and He hears you.....whatever it is.....I promise it will wash over you like living water. And you will fall deeply in love with Him. And you will make more and more and more "dates" with just you and the Lord. And you will get to know His voice, the more you read His word, His precious love letter, and pray and conversate with Him. Before you know it, you will sometimes see HIM starting the conversation. :-) How amazing, the eternal one, WANTING to start a conversation with us. :-) wow...... You are so precious to Him......I can feel His excitement already....He is so happy that you want to hear His voice....He is so in love with you!!!! Had to reply to your note..... I Love you and I pray that you open up to the Lord and enjoy the time in the arms of your Father......

Happily His Princess

Dear Lord

Thank you for your love and protection. Lord I pray that I will learn to reach into your arms like a child to her father. I thank you for being here with me.....even though I do NOTHING to deserve your love. I love to be here with you right now in this moment. I am so in love with your pressence.

Lord forgive me for all that I am and all that I do...


transform my wounds into opportunities to glorify you.


I love you Father....and I need you.....today.......and every other day. Lord what is your will in my situation? Show me the light at the end of this tunnel. Please? Just a glimpse... and I will hold my head up higher and walk with purpose.....actually...I will anyway. I am yours. Your will be done.


Happily Your Daughter~

Angela

Me a Masterpiece?

Most of my life I have focused on the things in which I am not. My flaws and the things that I lack that the other girls do not. I am not talking about my body, I am talking more about self esteem and a sense of being a real women. Confidence of beauty (within), comfort in my own body(who I am), the ability to be in a room surrounded by other women and not feel completely out of place. So I lived the best I could in trying to compensate in various ways. I got along with everyone, eager to please....I strived to be a good daughter and friend. I never stopped until I achieved every goal that I started. And to do the absolute best of my ability, and I never took it very well if my ability was just NOT good enough to cut it. But looking back I notice that underlining all that I lack was the gnawing feeling that I will never really be anyone special, or valuable to anyone else. This feeling affected everything I did. More importantly, I think it affected the way I viewed God. I do not think I ever viewed Him inside as making everything PERFECT.....after all ....He did make me. And the more I heard how loving God really was, the more I looked at myself as if I had committed some sin that I felt had disqualified me for a life of that value and purpose that God had for everyone else.

Since then I have gotten to know my Father God and how He does not make mistakes. How He is the true forgiving substance in my life that washes out the thoughts of being worthless. Maybe the things in which I always thought were flaws, were just the framing for the work of art that He is making in my life....the masterpiece, no less, that He wants to create in me. I was fearfully and wonderfully made..... You know that every TRUE artist likes to choose the frame that best displays his work! It was not a mistake that I am the way I am. If God wanted me to fit in with other women, or walk , talk, act, or look a certain way, He would have made me that way.

We all need to look at ourselves this way. We are the canvas on which He wants to display beauty, and the kind of person we are is the perfect frame for the Artist's work.

Accepting this, well.........working on accepting this concept means I have to look at myself in an entirely new way, and that is not easy, particularly because I have been trying to not notice the things that I dislike about who I am for so long. Now I need to try to embrace who I am and truly discover who God made me to be. So I am now trying to shift my perspective until I can look at myself from God's viewpoint. Sometimes God has a funny way of letting me know how He sees me, and I have to say......I get surprised by what he sees. My vision of His view is still not very clear. :-)

It is so neat to know that He can take the broken pieces of any life and create out of them a work of art that will bring glory to Him and blessings to others. He can take even the wounds dealt to you by both circumstances and others and use them for His glory. I just need to put myself in God's hands, then I know that nothing can keep Him from turning my life into the beautiful creation He always intended it to be.

"Lord, Help me see myself as you see me........so that you are able to reveal Your power, glory, love and even "creativity" in this world through me. :-)Help me to not get in the way of your work in me. Forgive me for ever thinking that maybe I was not some of your best work. Forgive me for not always believing that I could live as a masterpiece through the blood of your son Jesus Christ. In your Holy name I pray these things~ Amen"

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Update on my Uncle

This is a copy of the letter I sent out to everyone...... God is so good.....

I am in complete shock right now. Cancer has been a major destruction in my family for generations and generations. My Uncle's Grandfather died of colon cancer, his daddy died of lung cancer, his brother died of lymphoma 3 years ago, his mother died of lung cancer 10 years ago and his sister was HEALED by the power of the Holy Spirit of lung cancer 4 years ago, the list goes on.............. when they found that tumour in his colon and went in for major surgery, the doctor told him he was certain it was stage 2 cancer unless it spread to the lymph nodes then it could be stage 3 or 4, they called Moffit to get him set up for chemo.

In the mean time, my family pulled together in prayer. Pastors and great men and women of God were praying and visiting him in the hospitol...he was anointed with oil and we laid healing hands on him.... prayer chains were persistent and faithful...... 3 or 4 churches lifted him and the family up in prayer as a unified agreement in the church services..... my sister age 25 was baptized in the Holy Spirit..... my cousin and aunt rededicated their lives to God.....the list goes on.....

this morning........... the doctor came in and told my Uncle that he shouldn't have spoke to soon.......... the biopsy of the tumour came back negative. There is NO CANCER!!! My uncle is healed!!!!

This is a miracle and demonstration of the power of the Holy Spirit.

Thank you , Thank you for your prayers..... God is amazing......... and this is the results of faith in prayer.

I am on my way to hug his little neck..... love you all..... Please join me now in prayers of thanks and lets Glorify our Father in heaven who loves and adores us.... How amazing it is to be a CHILD OF GOD!!!!

a little too much to note ????

I know that it has been a few days, you ever had the feeling that there is just too much going to write about? I know sometimes you don't write because there isn't much to note. But I honestly have sat down and started to write several times, but my mind was racing and didn't know where to start.

I had to finally JUST DO IT......

I will not go into extreme detail, but I will tell you that it has been a roller coaster week! Family, sickness, work, friends in need, ect. But I will have you know, God is doing a great work all around me. Last night in class, the professor made an awesome statement, "The greater the tribulation, the greater the exaltation"

I want to be clean Lord, set a part for your work, your purpose, your great will.

breath a little better....

I am a feet snuggler....I have to wrap my feet under the person behind me, if my toes are warm, I sleep well....... apparently my Mom is the say way, so we snuggled our feet and I was out like a light. The Lord blessed all of us girls with a wonderful rest. Much needed.

My aunt talked to the ICU nurse and they said he is awake, I jerked on my clothes....barely brushed my hair and got out the door......

What a trooper, I walked in and there he was, hooked up to the ventilator, tied down to the bed, so helpless..... a "necessary evil" is what they call it, basically it necessarily sucks!!!! He was in so much pain, they stopped his pain meds so they could see if he can actually breath on his own ..... So now...he has a tube down his throat, tube up his nose and a incision from stem to sternum....barely any pain medicine....lets just say he was not a happy camper.....His little feet were so cold.....I tucked them under my shirt to keep them warm and waited there with him. No one in the family wanted to see him like that..... but I know that I wouldn't want to be alone if it were me. He couldn't speak for the tubes were down his throat, and I didn't speak because there was enough words exchanged as I looked into his eyes......

"Can I pray Uncle Larry? Can I invite the Holy Spirit into this situation this morning?"

He said yes with his eyes..... and we prayed.......

suddenly we were interrupted by the doctor, he opened the door and said," Mr.Smith, I have come in to take out your ventilator, just let me give you something for the pain first."

My uncle looked at me with his eyes......smiled as well as he could and pointed UP.....to God.

I smiled and said,"He is so faithful, isn't He?"

I had to leave the room this time, I couldn't watch them take that out, but he wasn't alone, Jesus was there with him.....when they were finished I came back in to his sun shiny face and he whispered," Ang, will you hold my feet again?"

"Of course I will......"

I held his cold little feet until he feel asleep peacefully........

A dear friend of mine said something to me that really made me look at things A WHOLE lot differently. He said, in so many words, that not only is God a BIG GOD and fully able , but he is a loving God and totally willing and wanting. That made me look at things in such a different way, YES, God can heal and YES, God can turn this situation around, but the most amazing thing is, it's because he WANTS to. He loves my Uncle more than I love my Uncle. When no one can handle seeing him hurt, Jesus is there beside him wrapping himself in His compassionate love. The almighty Father who is in love with His child.

Glory to you God......

long day

Wow, a day like today really helps the rest of my life seem like a piece of cake. I am at the hospital with my family, my Uncle is in the operating room. It's hard to see the "HE-MAN" of the family be so vulnerable. He was just diagnosed with with colon cancer last night..... when I got here I had all intentions of being the strong one, "hold it together Ang..... show them how much faith you have that GOD is in control and that everything will be fine." Yeah, soon as I saw them try to shove that tube down his nose 3 times and fail.....I had to leave the room and just break down...... they finally took him to the OR and here we wait to find out if they were able to remove all of the area's where there is in fact cancer.

****************

ok..... 5 hours later and they removed everything they could....the doctor says it looks good. We will know on Tuesday what the results are. What his survival rate is based on if it has spread to his lymph nodes or not.

He will not be waking up tonight.....we are all going back to my aunts to sleep.....

morning ramble

I started the morning off heating my toes with the hair dryer..... it was the fastest thing I could think of after waking up and walking into the bathroom..... tile floors in the winter.....brrrrr

I plan to get much accomplished today. I will start by calling my sisters to tell them both how much I miss them. Then I think I will uncover a section of my desk to see what the surface looks like, it's been a long time.

I am in the mood to smell flowers.

I am also in the mood for a warm biscuit. But I am on a BREAD STRIKE til April 4th. I have been doing pretty darn good, its been 11 days with NO BREAD...... well I take that back, yesterday while making the kids PB & J's I made one for myself before I noticed I engulfed it. Then while moving on to eat my son's crust...... it hit me. ooooops.

I really like tube socks, a lot.

Lord, is this really where you want me? I wont quit so if you want me to move on, just let the boss fire me. :-)

Taking Taylor (the bulldog) to get artificially inseminated this weekend. Not sure how I feel about that, I really wanted her to be married first.

His Patience

I read a blog today that reminded me once again of God's patience.

I just had to sit and meditate on this thought for a while. I am in awe of His love. I just have to lift my hands in the air in worship....praising all that He is in my world of failures and let downs, their He sits..... in the thrown room..... with His hand stretched out to pick me back up.... dust me off and sets my eyes before the path of righteousness. Every time I slip and fall, even though I know how to walk, I almost see clearly the rock that I run into...and I fall.....he so patiently and lovingly picks me back up. Never tires in helping me try try again. True adoration of His children. When I think about my own children, I tire in telling them the same things OVER and OVER and OVER again, I speak to them sometimes with condemnation in my voice.....sometimes if I do not see guilt in their face I feel like they have not learned their lesson. wow..... how humbling...... God's love is so powerful and perfect that even though we mess up time and time and time again, he picks us up, with NO condemnation in His sweet voice and tells us to NOT feel guilt....guilt is of the enemy, not of Him. Knowing that we will mess up again, He says,"I knew you would fall, and fall, and fall again.... that is why I sent my little boy to die for you. You could never get to me on your own."

I am excited to be where I am at today..... swimming in a life of forgiveness. I will submerge myself in His word, school, missions, prayer and fellowship.....

Wash over me today, Father. Thank you for your PERFECT LOVE.....given to me freely.... even though it cost you so much. I do not deserve it.....and we both know this.... I am honored, and I will live my life sharing this gift....I will not keep it all to myself....everyone needs to know what an amazing Daddy you are..... Thank you Father.....

Colossians 1:29 "For this purpose also I labor, striving according to His power, which mightily works within me."

Happily Your Princess.....

Wedding Bells? Or is that my ears ringing?

I have to laugh.... I didn't put a quarter as much time into my own wedding as I have my best friends. Maybe because I was young and it just wasn't my "dream" growing up to be the princess bride when I got older...... have 20 kids and become Betty Homemaker.

All of the details is making me crazy, does every little rhinestone, napkin and chair cover REALLY matter so much? It is only a 5 hour event for crying out loud.

Yes, I get it, the day needs to be perfect for the Bride..... but why don't you just give me the 10 thousand plus dollars that this wedding is costing and I will give the Bride a perfect WEEK....and still have enough left over to buy myself a few pairs of shoes. :-)

I love her, and I want so much for her..... I hold the title of the Matron of honor in true delight, I will shower her at her Bridal shower and I am taking her far far away for her Bachelorette Party.... I will stand beside her on her special day....shed a few tears as her father gives her away.... dance all night with her til we both drop....it really will be a night to remember..... and I am so happy her dream day is becoming a reality.....

But I have to say........ after April 5th.... I do not think I can deal with another THOUGHT of a wedding. Its just so OVER RATED...... what happened to a nice and simple gathering on the beach or at the park..... exchange vows before God and BOOM.... you share his name.

Ta' Daaaaaaa!!!

All Around Me

My hands are searching for you My arms are outstretched towards you. I feel you on my fingertips. My tongue dances behind my lips for you. This fire rising through my being. Burning I'm not used to seeing you. I'm alive, I'm alive I can feel you all around me. Thickening the air I'm breathing. Holding on to what I'm feeling. Savoring this heart that's healing. My hands float up above me. And you whisper you love me. And I begin to fade. Into our secret place. The music makes me sway. The angels singing say we are alone with you. I am alone and they are too with you. I'm alive, I'm alive. I can feel you all around me. Thickening the air I'm breathing. Holding on to what I'm feeling. Savoring this heart that's healing. And so I cry. The light is white. And I see youI'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive. I can feel you all around me. Thickening the air I'm breathing. Holding on to what I'm feeling. Savoring this heart that's healing. Take my hand. I give it to you. Now you own me. All I am. You said you would never leave me. I believe you. I believeI can feel you all around me. Thickening the air I'm breathing. Holding on to what I'm feeling. Savoring this heart that's healed

Flyleaf


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Wn6ZT5apFc

Your Eyes

couldn't ever build the courage to look your way

but there I stood and your eyes never wandered from me

my imperfections you wrapped in hope and redemption

its hard to accept how you see me

I want to be, who I see in your eyes

rid of it all, and free from the lies

a dream into reality, delicately love flavored

covered in holiness, that forever is savored

I need to step off of this edge to soar

into everything you are wanting of me...... and more

I am blocking the wind that would get my feet off the ground

with my past that has put my dreams into a slumber

wake me.....shake me, O Lord.....

uncover my face ,make my vision spiritually clear

I want to see through your eyes

A little Goodnight...

the day I can say was fulfilling

couldn't have asked for much more

I woke up to puppy breath

I accomplished a "plethora" of work in the office , hassle free I might add

I exchanged some fun emails with a dear friend

had some great conversation and laughter with a wonderful woman

it was my first day back to school , I went with a clear mind

tonight I saw his heart

he loves me

I feel so content in this crazy circle

how is that?

Goodnight.........

I wish for Emily

when she looks in the mirror
I want her to KNOW herself
but how can she know herself
If she doesn't know where her face came from?
I am realizing that my past
isn't really my past
it is still right now
It is like putting something away
you can brush it under a rug
hide it in a closet
put it on top of the fridge
then one day
when your not looking for it
not even ready to find it
you stumble on to it
there your past is revealed
therefor makes it present again
there is no such thing as ex-children
they are always your children
I don't care what papers you can show me
In my heart
I am still her mother
wherever she is....
she will find me.....
until that day
when a star shoots over the black sky, I have one wish
over a birth day lit with candles, still I have one wish
to puff away a fallen eye lash, I only have one wish
there is only one thing on my mind when I blow on a wishing flower.....
I wish for Emily......

Last day with Jeni :-(

She is sleeping right now so I have a moment to write;

It has been so nice with her here. She has been here for 7 days and it has been so wonderful for me. Someone to talk to through out the day, someone to laugh with and be silly with. Some one to ramble about "nothing" with. I even enjoy our funny disagreements.

At night, it reminds me of when we were little girls, we stay up as late as we can! Except its for different reasons, now its so that we can get the most out of her stay, and its a little harder to keep our eyes open so we have to throw back coffee all night. :-)

She is so special to me, my little sister..... she is like the model for "sweetness". I learn from her every time she is around. Actually, she is the reason I started to blog in the first place. Now its almost something I "need" to do. An outlet.

I do NOT like the fact that she is leaving in the morning, my heart is crying ...... after she is gone, I will be alone again. Not literally, of course...... but it will feel like it. It always does.

I am going to miss you Jen!

Pray for Kenya

My heart aches tonight for the Kenya people, the East African nation that won my heart just a few months ago. Violence has erupted as it appears the election may have been stolen by supporters of Mwai Kibaki the sitting President. I am torn as I am reading about the slaughter of children and families.

I cannot really think enough to write.... but here is a link for the Kenya Daily.

http://www.kenyadaily.com/

Please pray for this beautiful nation. Pray for governmental integrity. Pray that the church and the people will speak truth to leaders. Pray for protection. Pray for discernment and strength in the leadership. Pray for the hearts of the wicked who are slaughtering these people. Pray that the Christians stand strong on the power of Christ Kingdom and fear no evil for thou art with them.....And pray that God's Will will be done in Kenya, as it is in heaven.

Goodnight....

Good morning Lord....

Thank you for the beautiful rest

it was a long day that you had given to me

so full of love and laughter

was not sure when night was ever going to fall :-)

Thank you for the most perfect greeting this morning

a greeting that only YOU in the highest could present

who could be worthy? not I

the darkness broke with the roaring of the sun

the ground was sprinkled with only the finest of dew

each drop was set perfectly in place

when the sky was lit, all the foundation stood still

sparkling with an array of the most radiant colors

so proudly every thing played its roll in this mornings routine

it is funny how even the night creatures hush

for they know they are not permitted to chatter among the daylight performance

the birds break through with the sweetest song

you gave them the tune this morning, just for me.....

"I am special to someone"

what a message to hear when I wake up

Lord, thank you from this day

I accept it as the most precious gift.

I lift my hands above me now

my face shifts toward you

I listen to what you have to say

I love you too Daddy.

He'll never really know....

I cant really show it

there is only so much I can express

there is no way to prove it

actions speak louder than words

but there is no way I can act as loud as my words

I feel a bit confined within my own heart

here I sit quietly as I hold a piece of his

it is so precious to me

sometimes I want to just scream...... then I flutter....

He will never know how much I really love him.

I will just blow kisses in the wind

and pretend they are coming back

:-)