Goodbye 2007......

New years means a lot to me. The symbolic value of finishing one year and starting another is something that I use in a lot of different ways, even when I was a kid there was something special about the arrival of a new year… a chance to make a change, to start fresh!

Looking back at 2007, I can say that it was a really GREAT year, probably the best one in a long time. I could write an entire book about things that have happened during the year (and what I have learned from it), the people I met and how they affected me and the way I view this world, the new relationships in my life that were built (especially my new best friend, whome was indeed my BIGGEST highlight of 2007) and I could probably also write a whole different book about my plans for the next year. But I know by experience that things usually don't go as planned, so this time I am not setting up any traditional targets. Instead, I will allow myself to be a bit of a visionary towards a very exciting future! With a very big smile on my face!

But something important that I think I should jot down, so that I can look back on this and remember what I should have done encase I do not, is that I want to work on my esteem in Christ. I know it is what needs the most maintenance. I cannot be the fullest in laboring for Him if I do not stop looking at my past as a WALL to climb to get to my future. I want to stop trying to make believe, in my heart, that my past is flawless! Somehow, some way I would like to reveal who I really am. What I am about.....my actual thoughts on situations from experience. Possibly make a positive difference in some one's life by using the damaging material from mine......reveal my real testimony. Now I am NOT promising anything, I am just saying what I would like to work on. :-)

and I may need some help......

Isaiah 43:19

"I am going to do something new. It is already happening. Don't you recognize it? I will clear a way in the desert. I will make rivers on dry land."

(This is the God's Word translation,wich I do not usually use....but I loved the way this verse was spoken to me!)

Kaun? not sure......

"One person with a commitment is worth more than 100 people with an interest."

This is good, real good in my opinion. And real true. Even in Christianity.

What is your worth?

If you say you love the Lord.... then you should be committed in your heart to make Him just who you say you love..... your LORD!

Otherwise, is it really love? Or is it simply an interest?

Although, the other side of that, is no matter what your answer is, it doesn't touch your worth in Him. He still laid down His life for you.....

That should make us more committed.....

Just a thought.....

Neat Freak Anonymous

Sometimes when I am cleaning my house like crazy, I actually create more clutter until the job is complete; shifting things around, trying to organize chaos, new piles of this and new piles that , then store away this and throw away that. I think my whole LIFE is a lot like that task. I stir up the clutter and the dust, and hope when all is settled again, everything will make more sense ,and when all is neat and tidy, I can light a few candles, lay back , relax and feel satisfied.

Although, sometimes this truly can be an exhausting task....cleaning...and life, one that uses much of my energy and leaves me feeling drained.

But if I let it go, what would happen? It would just pile up to something I am unable to knock out, all in a given matter of time atleast. The job may look too big and I could avoid it or try and cram it into a closet where no one can see it. How long could I hide it anyway?

I cant live a life of clutter....I need to organize, my house and my head on a daily basis. Because I can.... :-)

Nostalgic or Busy Minded

Lately, I am reluctant to sleep. I don't feel tired, not really. I keep the TV on a satellite music station and drift off in my mind to thoughts a'many till I reach over and turn it off so that I can listen to voices in the darkness, no I am not crazy, I have a tendency to think about the past or imagine the future, when doing so, I turn off all sound and I envision the characters in my thoughts, I hear their voices and watch them move....its just me....a visual dreamer while I am awake! Often I will open the window, listen for branches to be lifted in a breeze, ease drop on the usual conversation of crickets chirping, with so much going on~ how could I sleep, I may miss something. When it rains, ahhhh.....then I can drift away swiftly.

I bet if I got a sleeping bag and I went outside on a hammock, I could drift away softly. I love it under the stars.

I have never been a real sleeper......

Maybe it is because as a young girl I didn't like the dreams that I woke up with. Not the dreams themselves really, the emotions, all tangled up in feeling lost, misunderstood, abandoned, sad with loss of the intangible touch of human hearts and hands.

That is for another time.....

Who am I?

I do not always know who I am, but I know who I am suppose to be. I get lost in my every day life sometimes. I know who I am to so many people. I have to live up to that person, then at the end of the day sometimes I wonder.....am I a fraud?

Who am I really? If who I am is not really what others see and I am not sure of who I am to me, then who in the world am I? If I have to TRY to be the person that they want to see, then that cant really be me, can it?

But if I really want to be all that they want me to be, then that is "just me", isn't it?

I am not real open but I am not real shy, I am confident in front of them, but asking myself these questions in the silence of my room, is this low self esteem? Am I confused? I think that I am.

It is one thing to hold secrets from the rest of the world, being afraid of exposure, or simply fear of having to explain for yourself or anyone else... but what kind of person holds secrets even from themselves? Am I afraid of MYSELF or what I may think? Am I that mixed up sometimes that I don't think that "I" really know what "I" am keeping from ME? Will I ever be free? Is it that you really do not want to know who you really are? ..... you do not want to be justified do you?

Lord, only you see all of me, everything I am..... there has got to be a breakthrough within myself so that I can unleash who I am. I want to be MORE for YOU. I am feeling a little shadowed in my own identity. I know who I am in you, but I really feel like I need to unlock who I am inside, who you made me to be.... I am feeling myself start to unravel.... I am a little scared.... what will happen to me if I start being honest to myself, so that I can be true to who I am. Ok, maybe I am a lot scared. Actually, I don't think I want to talk about this anymore..... I am not ready.

Maybe, you could just take this from me as I sleep tonight.... ???? Maybe?

The Story of a Princess

I battle depression..... always have even as a young child. One day I was sitting on my couch, just feeling myself slipping into one of my "all too familiar" holes. I even heard the Holy Spirit say that He was there for me and I didn't have to be like this. But at that moment, I just wanted to cry. And then the Lord found a way to get me up off the couch..... through the words of a dear friend, without even knowing that he was being lead by the Lord, made me feel a little creative....enough to write a story..... at that time, I was not sure why, I mean, what would a story do for me right now? But as I read over it today, it ministers to me...... The Lord knew what He was doing.

He gave me the setting as follows;

You grew up an orphan, feelings of worthlessness and of no value. One day a messenger of the King came up to you and said," we have just received word that you are a daughter of the King of Kings, you must come at once to the Royal Courtyard and announce your royalty." Feeling confused but curious, you followed him. Once you got there you saw people from the kingdom staring at you and asking each other,"who is she?" "who does she think she is?" You answered them," I am just Angi." The royal court director quickly corrects you,"NO, you are not just Angi, you are Princess Angela. You need to be confident in who you are, the people need to be confident in who represents this Kingdom."

So that is the setting that was given, and I had fun with it as my spirits were lifted.... this is my Fairy Tale Story. Enjoy and Know that it is YOUR STORY TOO, just change the name. :-)






Good afternoon, my name is Angela, this is all a little much to take in, for all of us, I know. And you will have to excuse me if I am not using the proper etiquette, for this is the first time I have addressed a large crowd full of people with such superiority. I know, and I see the curiosity rushing over all of your faces. I completely understand how you must be feeling. I am not sure if you think that I am much to look at, and you may be confused as to why someone so ordinary is standing so proudly in front of you. This boldness that you see comes along with a BIG message, that at first I was not ready to present. But given the state of urgency for you to understand its importance…..I am pleased to announce to you today, that I am a princess. I am the daughter of The King!
I know you may be shocked, and I am too, I was told not too long ago, but I must tell you, this title of royalty has not been given to just anyone, no, this was not a mistake, you are looking at someone who was born and bread for this role in life. This is my Destiny. Let me explain, something inside of me all of these years, knew deep down, that I was more than just a simple girl. You can look at my past and think differently, but you would not be able to see what I had in my heart. Through the struggles in my life, and in all of the dark and cold rooms, it never failed, when I looked in the mirror, I could see a different girl. Yes, I know it was my own reflection, But this girl was different… She looked so beautiful and full of life. She was bold and confident. She was never alone, she always had her father with her and you could see the love that they had for each other. I wanted so badly to pull her out, and make her reality, but I never could get close enough to the reflection. I have lived most of my life starring into that mirror, the person I saw would dance with her father….she would place her little feet on top of his, ever so gently, as he waltzed across the room, I always saw her in the most beautiful dresses that would sway so radiantly as he would swing her around the room. They would laugh together and I could see in her father’s eyes how much he truly loved her. I never could stay in that reflection long. It was always blurred out with the things going on in my own life. Distraction would pull me away so swiftly. And eventually through the years, I put away the mirror. I was tired of seeing a reflection that looked nothing like the image that was real in my life. So I had given up.
It wasn’t until just earlier today that this man came to me, He was a messenger of the King, so when he spoke, he had my full attention, he sat me down and so patiently told me about who I am. At first, I didn’t want to listen, it seemed far too great of a fairy tale story to be real, especially for me. But this man was persistent, he was burning with passion and it made me want to listen to every word that he had to say. He spoke of my father and what an amazing man he is, he spoke of the work that had been done before me and spoke of my significant place in my father’s perfect plan. It all seemed so amazing and I was so drawn to the things he had to say. But what captured my heart the most is when he spoke of how much my father loves me. He told me of this wonderful and magical Kingdom and how I am an Heiress of everything within. It was far too great to be real…..but I was wrong….I looked into this man’s eyes, and I saw that reflection again, the one I had given up on seeing because it hurt too bad to see someone that I could never be. He pulled out a letter that was written by my father…..as he read it to me, I drifted away, it was the most perfect love letter. I could hear my father’s words and I could feel his love for me running through my veins like a refreshing stream of energy….my fathers letter spoke of all the times that he had carried me in his arms, he spoke of the times that we danced and I placed my feet on His so that he could lead me and he spoke of the beautiful gowns that he has set away specially made just for me, laced in ribbons of glory and jewels of grace….He spoke of how I am royalty and I need to come right away to get started on the expansion of His Kingdom.
You see, that reflection in the mirror, it really was me all along. Before, I was running from who I really was, I had a fear of not being able to live up to the princess that I was designed to be, the princess that I always knew that I was. I am not scared anymore…I know now exactly who I am and I am excited to show all of you that person. I will not let you down, my father has a purpose for me in this Kingdom and I will live this uncharted journey to my full potential. I will righteously follow my “guiding light”. You may not see me as gift to this world just yet. You may only see what you want to see. And that is ok, I am not scared of what you may see, because I am firmly standing alone, on what my Father sees in me. I am here to announce that I hold the power with in me to do all things. I am here to speak that I have the power to fly high….even though I am not gifted with wings. With the inheriting power of my fathers Kingdom I can walk freely and forgiven. Please do not look at my past of wrong doings, when you look at me, realize that you are seeing a Daughter of The King. In my Fathers eyes I am beautiful, behold, I'm indeed a work of art, and know that I am everything to Him. Be careful when you speak of me, I am not something for you to tear apart anymore. With all His heart I am loved. He will fight for my reputation and my place by His side. He is a mighty King, He has won battles of all battles, he cherishes his Kingdom and all that is within, but I will have you know this, there is no greater love than the love that He has for me.
Now that I know, I am royalty indeed; I am embracing the quest to make a new beginning, taking a grasp on the resistance that I had to follow my heart. I have no use for the baggage that I left at the door. I know that my father has “all things new” in my Kingdom with Him. As I reign as princess, I want you all to rest in the arms of contentment, I promise I will try to bring an uplifting presence to shine rays of encouragement. I will be a reflection of the image that I have been waiting so long to see………….but for right now, with all due respect, you will have to excuse me, as my father is awaiting a dance with his little girl. My world is at peace for this one special moment……
“Daddy, may I have this dance?”

The End of the Beginning

Kenya Testimony

Yes, a piece of me is still in the fields of Kenya.
I will start about 2 weeks before my plane left for Africa. I woke up one fine Tuesday morning and jumped in the shower, when I was getting out I heard a voice…..God’s voice….he said,” Would you lay down your life for me?” After getting the goose bumps, my honest answer was,” Yes, Lord, of course I would.” He did not reply, and I didn’t ask any questions.
My dear friend Anna came over to my house to spend some quality time with me. Her and I went out on the boat, turned off the motor, and just drifted. We talked about what God is doing in our lives, we laughed, we cried……..but mainly, we talked about Kenya. I was concerned on how I was going to come up with the $920.00 that I still needed to go on the trip. Not that I didn’t trust God, but I was just so excited and I have already squeezed money from EVERY possible source. As we are in deep talk, my phone started ringing. I ignored it so that I wasn’t rude. But they just KEPT calling back. I thought it was weird, but I still said I would just return the call when we got to shore. Then I received a text saying,” CALL ME NOW!” So, of course I called. It was a long time friend of mine, Alyssa. I never really see Alyssa these days, but she has always been like a little sister to my husband. What she had to say…….changed my faith forever.
” Angi, are you sitting down?’
“Yes, what’s the matter?”
“God just did the weirdest thing, you really need to sit down.”
“I am sitting Alyssa, what’s going on?”
“I went to my mailbox and got my mail and I pulled out this freaky little envelope. Had coloring all over it that said things like “JESUS SAVES” and “JESUS LOVES” So I opened it up. Years ago I had a client, he was a devil worshiper and he was proud of it. I didn’t like him, he didn’t like me. I just KNEW that I was never going to get paid for defending him. I was right. It’s been about 6 years now and I have since written off that balance. Well the letter was from him. In the letter it states that he has since accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savoir and that he lives his life for the Lord now. He apologized and asked for me to forgive him for the way he treated me. He enclosed a check and in the memo it says to “USE FOR THE LORDS WORK” The check was for $920.00 and he only owed me $ 700.00. I put the letter away and then went to check my MYSPACE. I opened up your bulletin and read what you wrote about only needing $920.00 to go on your trip to Kenya. The way I see it, is this is your money. Angi, you’re going to Kenya.”
To make a long story short, when I got off the phone with her, I dropped to my knees and praised Jesus. I will never again doubt that he is able. Especially not after what I have seen in Kenya.
When I stepped on African soil, and the people that we stayed with were there to greet us, I hugged there sweet necks and looked up at the sky and said,” God, Thank you, for hand picking me to be here.” He answered me,” Would you lay down your life for me?” I quickly replied,” Yes, Lord. I would be honored.” What is going to happen to me?” Then I said to myself, maybe he just wants to know that I would, just like he wanted to know that Abraham would sacrifice his son Isaac. But after he saw that Abraham indeed loved God so much that he would give ANYTHING, he didn’t want Abraham to kill his son after all. Or, would all the dangers that people back home warned me about, be the end of my life? If I can lay down my life for the Lord, then I am NOT afraid. And I quickly put my thoughts back on my journey.
It was approximately a 15 hour bus ride to Kitale, Kenya, were we were staying. And it was NOT any Greyhound trip, trust me. You can’t sleep while driving on the roads in Africa. There are crater size holes every 2 feet. But I didn’t plan on sleeping, I was so much enjoying soaking up every sight that I could. This was IT. I am here!

Every day we went somewhere new to speak about our Lord and Savoir Jesus Christ. We performed dramas in the streets in the midst of hundreds of people. They were lost, in despair and having no place to turn. We had the message that they so dearly needed. More than any hot meal or shoes that they could put on there feet…..they needed HOPE and PEACE through Jesus Christ. And that is what the Lord sent us for, to be the mouth piece of the Holy Spirit. To let them know that He loves them too.
There are so many stories to tell, but let me just pick the two that meant so much to me.
We had a “day off”. We went, on a Monday, to walk thru the fields and see some wild life. We saw Rhinos, Zebra, Baboons, gazelle, wildebeests, and more. But little did I know that God was going to make a way for me to stumble upon one of his children. God is always at work. I found this boy in the fields. His name was Julius. He had so many questions about America. He was told that the streets were paved with grass and gold and that you could not enter the Gates unless you were RICH. Those things he was told by his family when he was young……before they all passed away. So now it is only him and that is what he believed. He was alone out there in the fields, or so he thought. Julius and I walked off together and I shared with him something that changed both his….and my life forever. I let him know that he can be forgiven for his sins and that he WILL never be alone again, I told him how the Holy Spirit is speaking to him and is with him every minute. And he showed me that God does NOT forget his children, no matter how far away they are. Julius had only a piece of the Bible but had just as much wisdom as some Bible students that I have spoken to back home. He just didn’t understand it. After we spoke, we prayed together. We got down on our knees before the Lord and Julius dedicated his life to Jesus Christ. He is now my brother. When we finished praying, the Holy Spirit spoke to Julius, and said he must be baptized before witnesses to make a statement of his new life. I quickly ran and got Pastor Dave, our team leader, and we took Julius to a running stream, about 20 feet from two teenage Rhinos and there he was baptized. Later that day the Bishop of Kenya said that it made history for a White Pastor to baptize a black boy in the river. God, you are amazing.

A few days later we went to this town called POKOT. A lot of us were excited about this trip, we would get to meet tribal people and see how they worship. Well it was a long journey in the middle of nowhere. Then we had to stop and walk even farther because vehicles could not go were we were going. After a couple of miles I really could not believe people could live on this type of land. It was so dry and all you could see was thorns and trees. But to my surprise, I start seeing people walking towards us. I don’t know where they came from, but they were beautiful. You could see the spirit of God upon them. We walked up to this big tree, and the Tribal Pastor said,” Welcome to the house of the Lord.” To think, a tree. No chairs. Just a tree. He had a few rocks stacked on top of each other and I asked,” What is this?” He said,” This is the foundation of God’s house.” I said,” It is beautiful.” And he proudly posed for a picture.
We gathered and prayed and fellowshipped together and guess what? GOD WAS THERE!!!!!!
They spoke of some plans about one day building a church there. And hopefully one day I will return to help. But when we were finished, the Pastor asked our leader,” Could you pray for rain? We have not seen rain in 3 years and our live stock are dying.” My leader said,” Yes, we pray for rain….it will rain before we leave today!” After swallowing my tongue, I got a little scared……there my faith goes again. I told myself,” Angi, get down on your knees and pray harder than you ever have.” So I did. I prayed as my hands were burning because the ground was so hot. I prayed for rain as the sun was beating on the back of my neck so hard that the only precipitation I could feel was the sweat dripping down my face. And then the pastor said,” If anyone has a vision, let him speak.” All of a sudden it was ME…..I had a vision. I saw, in my mind, rain pouring down and the children dancing in it. NO WAY am I going to speak up, what if I am wrong? So we stop praying and my team gathers to perform a drama for the people of POKOT. As I am watching the drama I notice that it just got a little cooler. I look up and I see clouds rolling in from the NORTH SOUTH EAST and WEST. “Clouds are good.” I thought. It was so hot. In the drama, my pastor acts out a “crucifixion” scene. Right about the time he breathed his last breath Lightning and Thunder struck so loud that the earth shook!!!! I felt a drop of rain. Then….. the sky poured rain!!!!!! It was amazing. We danced and laughed the whole way back to the bus. It was a long wet ride home, but it was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. It didn’t just rain, the rivers were supernaturally flowing.

God said to me again,” Will you lay down your life for me?” I said,” Lord, you know I will. What is going to happen to me? Is it here Lord? Am I going to die in Kenya?” Then at that moment he showed me what he meant. It was not about dying at all. It was about laying down MY life and picking up HIS life. This was it, this is were I belong. God wants me to tell the Nations about him. I am going to live my life spreading His word. YES!!!! This is what I was MADE for. “Yes Lord, I will lay down my life for you.”
Believe it or not, I have never been a public speaker. Well, Pastor Joe Scott, from my church, told me the day before we left for Kenya to promise him I would tell Pastor Dave I was ready to preach. I said,” sure…” Then regretted saying anything at all because, THERE IS NO WAY I AM READY TO PREACH. So that is where I left it. Little did I know, he told the Pastor that we went on the trip with, to MAKE me preach in Kenya. So Pastor Dave, my spiritual leader, pulls me to the side one day and says,” Keep your shirts tucked in so that your tattoos do not show anymore. Oh and get ready to preach tomorrow.” I told him,” Well Pastor, I am good at one on ones and I am great at getting things done, but preaching and teaching….that’s just not me. I stumble over my words and nothing sounds right.” He shut me up quickly by saying,” Don’t tell God no!” Great.
So, embarrassed and freaked out at the same time I prayed to God,” Ok Lord, I get it, you want me to preach. Why? I do not know, we have some GREAT people with us for that job. But if this is what you want….ok. But you’re going to have to take over, because I CANT do this without you.”
The time had come, and what seemed to me like hundreds gathered. I felt like I was going to throw up…..until…. I opened my mouth. The Holy Spirit took over and I spoke the things that these people needed to hear. A lot of men, women and children that day asked Jesus into their hearts. “I have never felt so good……to be a vessel of the Lords work.” Then the Lord showed me this scripture in class one day. Luke 12:12 “For the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.” Again, God you amaze me.

I miss Kenya. And no words or pictures could express the way I feel right now. There are so many more stories but so little room on this web site. If you ever want to get together I would LOVE to share more of what the Lord did in Kenya. I plan to live my life going and sending people to the Missions field. God willing, I plan to travel to 4 or 5 countries next year. I know it’s a lot of money, but Hey…… God will make it rain.

If you have any urge in your heart to Go…….please, don’t tell God no. It says in the bible to tell the WORLD. To go to the ends of the earth. (Mark 16:15) They need to hear. And if you can’t go, support someone who can, that is JUST as important. I love you so much. I really do. You are my brothers and sisters. Thank you for supporting me and loving me and most of all thank you for your prayers. If you want to help Missions and just don’t know where to start, please contact me and I will give you plenty of information.
Forever in Love.
A Daughter of the King,
Angela
Matt 24:14
Again……….thank you for your support. Like you have read above. I plan to go to 4 or 5 countries next year….starting in June. I do not plan to send out sponsor letters. I know that God will provide because this is His will. But I will say that if you feel it in your heart to sponsor me, just let me know through out the year. Thank you so much.

I have a cough

Christmas was wonderful. This year we really wanted to show the kids what Christmas is all about. I think we have made the mistake of OVER doing the gift exchange in the past. My children's list just keep getting longer and longer and more extravagant. I know they are just children, but that is where it all starts, right? So this year, we played down the gifts and played up the fellowship in the name of Jesus Christ. We had a few gifts under the tree, one big one for each and a few small things that they needed...... we sang Happy Birthday to our Savior and then we started the celebration of His BIRTH! We had built one of the biggest most beautiful bonfires I have ever seen, about 50 people came and went periodically throughout the night to sing, eat deserts, drink coffee and just pass out some Christmas hugs. The children and I baked cookies, about 360 to be exact.... and we passed out little plates of them for gifts to the adults. I have to say, this Christmas was the best one ever! We celebrated for the TRUE meaning of the season and it taught us what we were missing out on, from this time forward we will not join in the worlds system by "materializing" Christmas. It's about LOVE....the birth of LOVE in this world. Merry Christmas you guys.......

A New Year; A New Place

He must increase, but I must decrease. John 3:30

A lot has changed in me this past year of 2007. I have come to know a little more of who I am in Christ. I am learning, slowly learning, to let go of the things that are in my past. The things that have been beating me up for the last few decades of my life. I want 2008 to truly be a year of NEW BEGINNINGS. New friends, New stories, New discussions.........and what better way to start....than a new place to blog. Here, I can truly be ..... the NEW ME.

I am hoping that when I look back, at the end of next year, I will be able to see that I was consistently a work in progress. This year I want to be bolder in my walk with the Lord. I want to walk in my Christ Esteem and let go of my self esteem. I know I cannot make it here with out His Grace and His Love. I truly want to live a life that Glorifies the King of Kings.

"Lord Jesus, tomorrow is your Birthday. My gift to you is MYSELF. I know it is ragged and worn. I know that it has been beaten and has not really been taken care of. I know that even though it is not worth much to this world, it was bought at the most HIGHEST price. And it is all that I have to give. And the most amazing thing is, I know that it is all that you want. I am in awe of your love for me. You have shown me time and time and time and time again how truly precious I am in your eyes and I have not listened or been able to accept it. Father, today I give myself to you. I want to live in the purpose that you have for my life. I want to live as a servant....with a HEART to love the world . I want to see with clarity the things that you place in my path, Lord give me the wisdom to know which way to walk. Lord help me to see your footprints so that I can place my feet in them as I walk. Lord help me to hear the things that you want me to hear, give me discernment to know your voice when you speak. Father, please help build up my esteem in YOU so that I can be confident in my walk for your Kingdom. Father help me to remain humble but become STRONG in my drive for ETERNITY based goals. Lord bless my family and help them seek after you Lord. Lord let your love flow from me so powerful that they cannot help but feel you. Father, let my dreams align with your will. Lord, I pray for Less of ME and more of you....today and forever. "Never wanna be, Never wanna be livin' any less than all you want from me" I love you Daddy. These things I pray in your Precious name Jesus Christ~ Amen"